Kindness Is Not the Same Thing as Liking Someone

Maybe we’ve misunderstood what it really means to be kind.

Recently, during a peer support conversation about a difficult relationship, I found myself reflecting on something I often come back to in my work:

Two seemingly conflicting feelings can exist at the same time.

We can be hurt by someone and still not want to hurt them back.

We can be angry and still choose warmth.

We can be disappointed in someone and still treat them with dignity.

And we can decide that a relationship needs to change—perhaps permanently—without deciding that we need to become unkind.

This is part of what I sometimes think of as the ‘messy middle’.

The relationship has changed. Trust may have been broken. Communication may be strained or nonexistent. Maybe there has been estrangement, betrayal or simply years of accumulated hurt.

You've established boundaries for a reason.

And yet when that person crosses your path again, you may find yourself wondering:

If I'm kind to them, does that somehow invalidate what they did to me?

Does kindness mean I've forgiven them?

Does it mean I'm letting them back in?

Does it mean my boundary wasn't real?

Does being kind make me weak?

No.

Kindness doesn't require us to erase what happened.

It doesn't require reconciliation.

And it certainly doesn't require us to abandon the boundaries we've put in place to protect our own well-being.

I don’t have to like you to be kind to you.

I don’t have to agree with you to treat you with dignity.

I don’t have to forgive you to be nice to you.

I don’t have to trust you to speak respectfully to you.

And I don’t have to let you back into my life to treat you with warmth.

Maybe kindness isn't about what another person deserves from us.

Maybe it's about deciding who we want to be while we're healing.

And interestingly, research suggests there may be something restorative in choosing kindness even when it is difficult to do so toward someone you dislike.

In a 2022 study published in Mindfulness, The Role of Likeability in Discriminating Between Kindness and Compassion, researchers found that disliking someone significantly reduced people's willingness to act kindly toward them. In other words, being kind to someone we don't like may actually require greater intention.

But that extra effort may be worth it…

A 2020 meta-analysis published in the American Psychological Association's Psychological Bulletin found that performing acts of kindness for others can reduce feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness, with increased social connection appearing to play a role.

Maybe kindness isn't only something we offer another person.

Maybe sometimes it's something we do for ourselves, too.

Not because kindness magically takes away the hurt.

Not because we're pretending everything is okay.

But because remaining kind allows us to behave in accordance with who we want to be—even while we're still figuring out how to heal.

And this doesn't only apply to our closest relationships.

It may be the coworker you don't particularly like.

The neighbour who irritates you.

The person whose personality simply doesn't mesh with yours.

We don't have to manufacture affection for everyone we encounter.

But we can still say hello.

We can answer without unnecessary sharpness.

We can choose warmth over contempt.

We can disagree without demeaning.

Sometimes kindness is incredibly small.

And sometimes, when we're hurt, those small choices require remarkable strength.

🌿 Before You Go…

Think about a relationship in your own life that has changed.

Maybe there's hurt. Distance. Or a boundary that needs to remain exactly where it is.

You don't have to change any of that today.

Instead, ask yourself:

Can I be kind without abandoning myself?

You don't have to forgive, forget, reconcile—or even like them.

Boundaries determine how close you may come. Kindness determines how I treat you while you're there.

Kindness isn't weakness.

It's a reflection of who I choose to be.

And perhaps choosing who we want to be—even in the messy middle—is its own quiet form of reinvention.

— Shannon K. Shinn

Founder, Dignified Reinvention™

Creator of The REST Method™